Alphabet Soup

Mo Varsity Jacket
The Mo Varsity Jacket in purple and green.

You may have noticed lately the growing accumulation of letters for each of the subgroups in our all-inclusive gay community. Even the Toronto District School Board has devised a questionnaire asking students, in effect, what kind of gay they are.

So far, as you no doubt know (or maybe you’d prefer a tongue-lashing from a lesbian), we have four letters — LGBT — and we are to be referred as such. We are all now LGBTixers. But are four letters enough? Is that really fair to all the unsung subcommunities in our proud counterculture?

Take the lesbians. They got it right: Started their your very own pride parade (womyn-only journalists please) and, while they were at it, they made sure, without anyone really noticing it was happening, that their letter came first. True, a lesbian can still call herself gay; we’re all gay. But more distinction was obviously required for gay womyn. Sorry, Lesbians.

To the question “don’t more folks deserve letters?” I say hell yes! It’s about time somebody brought us together with a festive gesture our true team spirit.

Well, here it is. A varsity letter jacket for <em>all</em> the teams at school.

  • L= Lesbian. We really owe a debt of thanks to our same-sex-seeking systers. They started it all. We can leave the task of rewriting our herstory in their hands — starting with the letter L.
  • G = Gay. You could argue that this letter should come first, seeing as we’re all gay. You could argue. But there are risks involved.
  • B = Bisexual. I know, bisexuals aren’t really gay. But they aren’t really straight either. That’s gotta be a jam. The least we can do can is sacrifice one little letter.
  • T= Transgendered. Now don’t start in with “but transsexuality is about gender, not sex.” It’s not that they are all gay.They can be straight or gay or gay pre-op and straight post-op or any combination of the combinations. The issue is that <em>we</em>, gay people, are all really, deep down, transgendered.

A measly four letters. Not very inclusive of us LGBTixers. Not to worry, though. Now we can welcome a whole new swarm of letters into the fold. Now there are letters for peoples you didn’t even know existed. Let our rainbow radiate with the glow of true diversity.

  • 2S = Two-spirited. A native term that doesn’t quite describe either gay or transgendered. But it’s a fascinating phrase.
  • Q = Queer. Ut-tut-tut. This is not redundant. You don’t have be L, G or B or to declare yourself queer. If you are a transgenderist of any ilk in any stage and also consider yourself gay, pull up a Q, you’re queer!
  • Q = Questioning. <em>I</em> wonder, don’t you? What about the population of sort of non-LGBTixers who prefer a more subtle title for their sexuality? Very intriguing; the definitive title “questioning” is fast becoming a popular one. We’re trendspotters. Let’s just give them a letter now before the straights take over the word.
  • Q = Queens. The final Q goes to the most gorgeous, most fabulous and most divine divas ever to snap their fingers, girlfriend.
  • B = Bears. Those big ol’ hairy beasts. If we don’t give them a letter, who will?
  • L= Leather. Ah, the sweet smell of cowskin. Our most adventurous (not to not mention kinkyest) have too long been stuck in the shadows of swings and chains. Time for a letter.
  • M = Married. We can’t just give our newlyweds a flimsy legal document, people. They need an actual letter, please.
  • OR = Open Relationship. True, there are still some whispers of controversy within the tribe about this group. Shame on those judgemental, envious loners. Despite the many moral (not to mention practical) conundrums strewn across their path of conquest, these brave souls forge ahead. Proud to openly advertise their open relationships. That’s got to be worth two letters.
  • M/OR = Married/Open Relationship. (See above.) Three letters? Consider, please: Being married and in an open relationship, a threesome is never out the question.
  • Y = Youth. The young bucks and buckettes of today are a new, different, and, they will gladly tell you, improved breed of Gay. One letter is all they’re getting, though.

And finally:

  • SS&S = Straight Spectators and Sponsors. After all, where would our parade be without whole families (including babies and hyperthermic dogs) baking on the broiling pavement waiting for the thrill of seeing a real live drag queen or leatherbear at our parades? Isn’t it our straight comrades who have made all our rights and liberties possible? And lastly, the Sponsors. Finally a much-needed influx of cash. Now really hot young go-go dancers can be purchased (without the worry of whether or not they’re gay) for our parades. Besides, without our sponsors would we ever have become a legitimate marketing demographic? And you can put your worries aside and rest assured that massive corporations are not simply appropriating gay culture to seem, by association, cool (to everyone but the LGBT2sQQQPMORM/ORs, that is).


  • Mo Varsity Crest LGBTBL2S edition.Symbol legend to follow.
Explore posts in the same categories: gay-lite

2 Comments on “Alphabet Soup”

  1. david Says:

    Hilarious! Love it.

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